Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
