i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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