wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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