I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
