i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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