I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
