Tell her she can't have a vagina
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
