My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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