No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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