oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize