when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
