Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
