you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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