she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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