fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
