He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
