I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
