$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
