I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My ass is underappreciated
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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