how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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