i may or may not be watching the land before time
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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