i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize