You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
