I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
