that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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