The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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