He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
