I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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