Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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