phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
