then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize