i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
