Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
