Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
