Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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