her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i now understand why vodka
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
