Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
