I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
