i may or may not be watching the land before time
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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