my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
