You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Every concussion has its silver lining
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
