youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
