Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
