ya dads aren't the best wingmen
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
