I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
