I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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