i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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