What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
