she woke up with a sticky ear
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
