closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
