what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
