who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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