FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
