Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
