Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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