So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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