I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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