dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
