A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
