I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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