she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
