I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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