yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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