Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
