I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
