I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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