omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize