oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
