So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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