dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
