Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
