the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
