the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Drake has all the answers
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
