Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
