Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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