Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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