she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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