My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
